I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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