I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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