I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
