You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
