Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
