Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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