Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
