I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
