I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
