Ambien. No doubt about it.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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