I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
