Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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