grandma shit on top of the toilet
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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