see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
