He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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