I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We need to rekindle our bromance
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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