i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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