Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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