I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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