I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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