I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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