we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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