woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
