dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize