Dude my mom stole all your condoms
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
