you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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