Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
