I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
