I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
