he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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