there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize