What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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