I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
