I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
