We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
