I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
