me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
