My liver just broke up with me...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
