I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
