i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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