she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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