I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
