I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
