I wish my penis had an off switch
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
