Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
