if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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