question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
