Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
