My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
