There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize