my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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