I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
