In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize