By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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