"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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