How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
